Much has happened since we last spoke. Much and not a lot at the same time, if that’s possible. I must have been in Banff almost 4 months now, probably about 3 and a half months, I could work it out exactly but there doesn’t seem to be much point, time doesn’t work in the same way here. Back home nothing ever changes, I imagine if I was to go home tomorrow it would be as if I never left, but here everything can change in an instant.
When I think back on my time in Banff I remember it as a series of stages, each radically different from the last, but all interconnected in some minor or major (often destructive) way. I almost forgot about this blog, and for that I’m sorry, but writing a blog for me is like taking a photo, the thought of remembering or sharing an experience fails to enter my mind when I’m indulging in a moment fully.
Oscar Wilde once wrote; “each time one falls in love is the only time one falls in love”, or something to that effect, and Banff has taught me the truth of that statement. Not just in terms of people, but also places, objects, moments in time, lifestyles and ideas. In fact, most of the time it is merely the idea of a thing that we fall in love with. We convince ourselves we’ve fallen in love with a place or a person based on the way we perceive it or them, but reality is a complex thing, and while in many ways it’s subjective and relative to the individual experiencing it, oftentimes reality fails to live up to our idealistic expectations. That is what has happened with Banff a thousand times over, but I’m thankful for it. I too have failed to live up to other people’s expectations, but I’m not sorry about it, I’d go as far as to say I couldn’t care any less. I used to care, but I gave up caring about that sort of thing recently. We all have a role to play in the lives of those we encounter, and it can’t always be a positive one. I was seeing a girl for a while this summer, but whatever romance there was is now well and truly dead, and while she once claimed to perceive me as a “muse”, she now perceives me as merely a boy, or as she described me in her last blog a “4”. A 4 out of what I’m not sure, nor am I sure what I’m being graded on, I’d imagine that delusional escape from reality we call “adulthood”, or “normality”, which I’ll admit I’m not particularly good at, even a 4 is probably generous in this regard. I’m not normal at all, it’s been pointed out to me recently that I’m weird as fuck, but I’m okay with that because normal is boring, normal is what we are around strangers.
It’s a funny thing when a relationship ends, one day you think you’re totally in love with a person, the next they’re the furthest thing from you’re mind, one minute they’re perfect, the next they’re the furthest thing from what you now believe you desire.
We are our own worst enemies when it comes to romance, we have these ideas of what we want and we seek out the person our minds have already designed, but those people rarely actually exist, so we find someone that comes close and we lie to ourselves that they’re perfect, but it never works because we never really know what we want.
Recently I’ve begun spending a lot of time with someone who’s company I greatly enjoy, someone I met when I first arrived in Banff but barely spoke to until she messaged me one day to say she’d enjoyed reading my blog. We gradually sent more and more time together until it happened, I fell for her as I always do, but this time it came out of nowhere, it took me entirely by surprise, and for the first time in my life I’m content with how something is going. The best thing about it is it feels easy, all I have to do is be myself around her and she around me and it seems to work, I honestly can’t remember a time I was as happy as I am now, she’s not only become a lover but also a best friend, and I’m incredibly blessed to have got the opportunity to know her. I’m not sure where it’s going to go, but it’s okay because I’m certain that no matter what, if we allow things to run they’re natural course, it can only lead somewhere good.