We can’t control our fate, whether it’s set or not. We’re slaves to our emotions, our passions, our whims, our desires, to the present and to our past. We float through life like it doesn’t matter, sometimes it works out the way we’d like and sometimes it doesn’t. But despite this I still have an internal struggle between accepting my fate and controlling it. I constantly dream of and overthink scenarios that I’m so convinced are going to happen, but reality never ends up reflecting it because my fate-bound soul never seeks that which my self-aware mind desires.I’ve been torn recently. Torn between wanting to leave Banff, to find a job I enjoy in a city I could love, and staying, embracing my current temporary joy, my freedom, my youth and my uncertain future. I’m torn between the desire to save my sanity and the desire to accept my fate, whatever that may be.
I think I’m going to end up in Banff a lot longer than I’d originally intended, but I’m okay with it. When I arrived in Canada I thought I’d work in Banff through the summer just to save enough money to move to Vancouver in the fall. I had my whole two years planned out, to the smallest detail, but I’d say I was just going to see what happened, because that was part of it. Then I got to Banff and I forgot my plans entirely.
I’m trying to accept my fate more. I want to indulge in the present and worry about the future when I’m in it. You have to in Banff, things change so quickly that you can’t try and plan a month ahead let alone two years. Friendships grow and die in the blink of an eye. Something can be everything to you one day and a memory the next. Your world changes as fast as the weather.
We’re all searching for something in Banff. Me, I’m searching from for a story to tell, for people to inspire me, for something or someone to write about. I’m a writer, or I’d like to think of myself as one, and one day I want to write something of some worth, something more than a blog. I’ve found what I was searching for here a thousand times over, and I’m sure I’ll find more before I leave. Ultimately we are all searching for an escape. An escape from addiction, from normality, from routine, from the everyday trials and tribulations of adult life. Fortunately this town has that in abundance.
You stand on your balcony, looking deep into the clearest night sky, you gaze upon the remnants of once mighty stars which burnt out and died a millennia ago, and you realise you insignificance in this universe, but also that even gods have their time, all things fade, there is no future.
Life here is like a dream. I know it’s superficial and impermanent, so therefore ultimately meaningless. Nothing here is genuine because we all know that sooner or later it’ll end, we’ll pack our bags and wave goodbye to this town forever and life will move on like it always has.
But despite knowing all this, it still feels so real, so rich, so important, so holy… It feels as though it is everything, as if the limits of the universe extend only to the borders of my own world, my own perception of the moment at hand.
It’s summer love, a taste of everything we could ever desire, but a taste we know we could never savour.
Time flys quick in Banff. Things come and go in a heartbeat. So much so that you fail to realise how little has changed out there, in the real world, the one that’s real to them, the ones that fail to see how big reality can really be. This is our world, sometimes it reflects the one we flee, sometimes the one we search for, always the one we see. It’s a world of coke, booze, work, late nights, early mornings, sex, and romances that should not happen and would not happen anywhere else. It’s a world of experimentation, indulgence, fear, love, passion, broken dreams and unexpected adventures. But no matter what, it’s always the world we choose.
I wouldn’t want to spend my summer anywhere else. I couldn’t.