I think I’m ready to start being an adult, or at least start trying to be one. I’m a weak person, I recognise that, and I get sidetracked and lose my way far too easily. I don’t really know where I’m going though, that’s the thing, I think or at least hope I’m heading somewhere, but sometimes I stop, collect my thoughts, and realise that I’ve taken the wrong turning at some point along the way. Then it’s difficult to get back on track, because I don’t know which track I’m supposed to be taking.
I’ve learnt a valuable lesson recently; you can’t use people and justify it by claiming that it’s just who you are. I’m not a good person, and I recognise and embrace that fact, but I know that I can’t just do what I want without regard for those around me. Because there are good people out there, I think perhaps I was one of them once, but life can easily break those people down and drive them towards bitterness and resentment, and I don’t want to instigate that negative change.
The past week has been chaos, and I think I like life being that way. I don’t want time to think, I don’t want to be forced to contemplate the repercussions to my actions, I want every day to blend into one orgy of self-abuse and half-remembered good times. I seek carnage and madness because it distracts me from the slipping of my sanity and the flaws I both flaunt and hate. I woke up this morning and realised that it’s time to grow up. I have a choice right now, it is a defining moment in my life, a choice between chaos and the light. Chaos is the easy choice, and it’s the choice that I instinctively desire, but it’s a choice that will ultimately lead to my undoing, my fall from grace. Perhaps it’s not a choice though, perhaps it’s a test, a test of my virtue and strength, a test I’ll either pass or fail, and the most important test I’ll ever face.
If you were to ask me a year ago where my life would be today, the answer I’d have given wouldn’t have even came close to resembling reality. I was still engaged to the love of my life, and about to set off on two months in India and Thailand with her, a trip that would change everything. Now she’s a memory, a ghost of a past life that haunts me everyday, she’s become a symbol to me, a symbol of the mistakes I’ve made, the mistakes I’ll continue to make, and of love, which is why I fear it so much. I need to realise that it’s time to just put the past in the past and decide who I want to be, stop just being a self-indulgent arsehole and blaming her for making me who I am. I want to finally let go and take my first steps forward and out of her shadow, but it’s easier said than done.
I’m going to take a few days to get my head sorted. I’m going to hike a mountain tomorrow alone, I’m not sure which one, probably Tunnel, but I need to be alone for a while. I want to believe, just for a second, that I’m the only person on this fucked up planet we call home. I’m just about ready to walk out on civilisation, to wander into the wilderness to live among the mountains and forests and the wild things. To be without alcohol, tobacco, cocaine, pills, junk food, poetry, art, music, without people to use and be used by, women to love and hearts to break, to be driven merely by the will to survive, to be focused solely on the act of living, to be free from chaos, and bound to the wild and the laws of life and death.
There is order in the wild. Once might think that civilisation and society is what binds us together, that it keeps our species from deserting into primitive anarchistic carnage, but I’d disagree. Civilisation allows and encourages us to indulge in our desires, in vices and sin, to seek pleasure and material things, and there are so many paths open to us here in the west that we become lost in the chaotic maze of life, seeking an artificial ending that will never satisfy us, because we could always have something more or something else. In the wild there are no such privileges, or curses, there is merely each day and a choice between survival or death. It’s kill or be killed. It’s get up and do those things that are necessary to survive, or wither and die with the weak and unwilling. There’s no chaos in that choice, it’s clear cut, live or die.