Terrible Fucking Decisions

I feel as though I’ve fallen off the face of the earth over the past few days. I’m not entirely sure what has happened, but it’s resulted in a feeling I haven’t felt this strongly since arriving in Canada. I’m not sure if it’s anxiety or mild depression, or even happiness. It’s hard to tell sometimes. I just like being alive, and feeling and emotions are how we know that this is real, at least on a personal level, so sometimes it brings me joy to feel the negative emotions, I’d rather that than nothing at all.
I woke up at 3 am this morning shivering, I’d fallen asleep on a friends couch with the window above me left open. Despite the fact that it’s now June the nights can still feel extremely cold, we are in the mountains after all. I don’t know how I’ll cope with the winter. I got into bed and caught a few more hours of sleep, waking up at 7 ready for work and feeling like I’d just awoken from a dream of insanity and drug and alcohol abuse, that was in fact the past few days. I’d gotten a decent amount of sleep finally and my head now feels slightly clearer.
The past few days have had a common theme; terrible fucking decisions. Decisions I won’t elaborate on just yet, but resulted in me waking up three days after pay day with only 60 bucks to my name, which I spent last night on pizza and fags, if I’m going to be broke for the next two weeks I might as well enjoy my last night with cash.
It was worth it though, spending my entire wages on cocaine and booze. I haven’t partied too much since arriving in Banff. It may sound weird but I enjoy doing shit I know I probably shouldn’t or occasionally, shit I definitely shouldn’t. Bad decisions don’t necessarily guarantee a bad result, sometimes you have to choose the worst possible option. It helps you grow, it helps you learn, and sometimes it’s the only way forward.
I’m back now though, and I intend on getting back into the routine of writing. I’ll write about the past few days one day, once the smoke clears and it makes sense to me. I could write a novel about it. Perhaps someday I will, or perhaps those bad decisions will be lost amongst the countless over bad decisions I’m bound to make from now until the day I leave this town.
I just wanted to write this post to try and kick start my desire to write again. I haven’t wanted to recently. Tonight I’m going to have a quite night in, drink some wine and write some poetry. I’m feeling somewhat inspired to do both right now.

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