I think I started this as a travel-blog. I don’t remember. It’s pretty clear that it isn’t one though. I guess it’s a life-blog, or something like that. I’ve not really focused much on traveling, I get carried away with my thoughts. I’m terrible when it comes to staying focused, staying on track.
But believe it or not, I am traveling, in a way. Well, I’m abroad at least. Living in Banff, Alberta, most likely for the next few months, before (if I stick to my initial plan,) heading to Vancouver. It already appears that those plans could change though, I’ve fallen in love with this town and I can see myself losing track of the time.
I’ve been in Canada for almost a month now. I arrived in Ontario on the 9th May. I can’t tell whether it’s passed too quickly, or if it’s felt like an eternity. A bit of both I guess. I needed to leave England, I know that now. Life was simply passing by, day by day, without ever really progressing. I mean, I’m not doing anything particularly revolutionary here, just working, drinking, fucking, smoking, basically doing things one could do anywhere, but it’s something new, something undiscovered, somewhere different.
The human race are closeted nomads. We cling to one place because it makes life easier, more familiar, safer, but deep down in our soul there is a suppressed primitive desire to move, a desire for adventure, and a desire for hardship. Life isn’t a breeze, it’s tough and that’s the way it should be. Henry David Thoreau, specifically his book Walden, provides me with guidance in my pursuit of truth, he argues for simplistic, basic living. He argues that life is not about money, or love, physical or emotional things, but it’s merely about the struggle to survive, the will to live.
I don’t agree with Thoreau on everything but I greatly admire and identify with the essential and holy importance he places on the virtue of truth, and I agree that life is a most basic thing. We coat ourselves in unnecessary trinkets, not just in terms of physical things but also metaphysically.
I believe there are certain basics in life, things that, if we stripped away all the unnecessary bits and pieces, would remain bare, naked and real. Things that transcend life and the universe. Reality is a subjective thing, we all realise it differently, and we all have our own ways of dealing with it, but certain things aren’t subjective, generally speaking, some things have a place within us all.
I’ve begun to digress again, I’m terrible for it. I have much difficulty keeping my mind on track. It’s why I’ll never hold down a job for more than a year, or why I’ll never remain in a long term relationship, or why I’ll never stay. I get complacent too easily and my mind wanders off track. I think I like it that way.
I needed to leave England, because I had become complacent, comfortable, but also lost. It’s easy to become lost while remaining, it’s difficult to become found whilst roaming, but sometimes it’s the only way. Banff will teach me a lot. I already know this because I’ve already learnt so much. One thing I’ve realised is that I’m way too cynical. I’ve not changed my beliefs. I still believe reality to be a thing of impermanence and meaninglessness. I still believe in love, I still believe in heartbreak, and I still believe that sooner or later good things always give way to their negative. I met someone however, someone that has shown me that the light is not something to be afraid of.
I may be covering things I’ve mentioned in past posts, but I want to tie it together and help you understand. I was in a somewhat unconventional relationship with a girl, on and off, for about a year and a half. I fell in love with her almost immediately. Before I met her I was living in search of purpose, if I had more time I’d give more details, but when I met her I found something I believed I could place my faith, and my love into. Maybe it was a mistake, maybe it wasn’t, but the fact is I rested my entire perception of reality, my entire existence, upon her. That was wrong of me, no one can handle that pressure. When we split up for good I was afraid that I’d do it again to someone else.
I met a girl, I mentioned her in a post earlier this week, (or perhaps it was last week, I’m losing track of the days,) but when I met her it was the first time since meeting my ex that I felt like I could fall completely in love again, and it scared me because I know where that road leads, I know I don’t have the will power to share out my love, it’s too easy for me to throw it all in one direction, but love is destructive and always impermanent. Nothing ever came of it, for reasons beyond my control, I’m not sure if I’m glad of that or not, perhaps it saved me, but perhaps I don’t want to be saved. Since then, I’ve ensured that I’ve not even attempted to strike up any kind of romantic relationship with the people that have that effect on me, because one step in that tempting direction and I loose my way.
It happens quite often, meeting these prophets of love and faith, and incomprehensible devastation. I fall in love far too easily, if I get to know a woman, then sooner or later I will fall in love with something about them. I met a girl around December, she was temping at the job I was about to leave, we’ve stayed in touch and we speak every now and then, and I can see her becoming a very good friend. She’s another of those prophets, if I allowed myself to I could easily fall for her completely, if I were to design the perfect human being it would be her. There was a woman I met in Toronto, you have no idea how badly I wanted to make a move on her, to take her to my hotel, to make love to her, but I forced those desires out of my mind in fear. I’m a big believer in indulging your natural desires and wants, but I’m a hypocrite in this regard, because I’m afraid.
But I’ve met someone since being in Banff, I mentioned it in my last post, but I no longer want to turn and run, I want to face up to my fears and accept whatever ending, because she’s taught me in the short time that I’ve known her that there is beauty out there, and sometimes it’s worth the carnage it leaves in its wake. Because I’m a believer in truth, and heartbreak and misery is as real as love and happiness, sometimes it’s more real, there’s no falsities to it, it’s the most basic part of reality, all things are born within it.
I’m optimistic for this summer. I’m looking forward to every hike, every peak, every drink, every night, every fuck, every friend, every sunrise and sunset, living here among the mountains, and the lost and the broken.
With much love,
Thomas James Gosden