Something Beautiful

I met someone. I’ve said before that I fall in love with every woman I meet, and while that’s true it’s usually a fleeting thing. After a first date the novelty wares off and I seek something new. After I split up with my ex last autumn I kind of swore off relationships. I was seeing a girl somewhat regularly for a while over Christmas and the new year, but I sort of just fell into routine and habit. I never really felt anything for her, perhaps I did the first night we met, but after that I just got stuck. It’s not that there was anything wrong with her, she was beautiful, both in terms of physical beauty and her innocent approach to life, but there was never any chemistry between us.
This girl, who’s sleeping in bed beside me as I write this, she makes me feel something I can’t quite put my finger on. She gives me anxiety, which is a good sign, because it means I care. For what seems like a lifetime now, but in reality is only about eight months, I’ve failed to give a shit about anything. About relationships, about work, about the future, about myself. But now I find myself actually wanting to care and to feel something of substance.
I’ve known her less than a week, but already she has a hold on me, the kind of hold I swore I’d never again allow a woman to have, but the strangest thing is I like it, I like feeling this way. Up until the day I met her, I was constantly wondering where my ex is, what she’s doing, whether she’s happy, but for the first time I no longer give a shit. I thought I had to disconnect myself from consistent feelings for another human being, but I was wrong, I needed to care.
I think the thing I like the most is that she read my blog before we met, and that’s what led her to want to meet me. I’m a lot more honest in my writing than I am in conversation, I find it almost impossible to properly put my thoughts and feelings into spoken words, but placing them into written word comes much easier. So the fact that she’s seen, or at least read, the real me and based on that she had to know me, it makes me want her like I’ve never wanted someone before.
She makes me question my pre-established beliefs, she makes me doubt my cynical outlook on life, all I’ve ever desired was for someone to show me that I’m wrong, and she does it all by just being.
I don’t know what will happen next. Whether this will be another fleeting thing or whether it will last a while, all things are impermanent, but I’m happy to know her in this moment, and I’m looking forward to this summer more than ever, knowing that there is something beautiful beside me that is yet to be discovered.


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