Late Night Doubts

I’ve had about six hours sleep in the past 48 hours so I should really go to bed, but I know I won’t be able to sleep tonight. I’ve been asking myself one question for hours now; is it better to be a good person or to be true to yourself? I’m not a good person, I know that, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to be one. For years I tried to be a good person, but I gave up last year. I realised I’d been lying to myself and those I loved. I told my ex that I’d love her forever, that I’d always be there for her no matter what, even if we didn’t remain together romantically. While there is a part of me that will love her until the end of my existence, when our relationship ended I shit all over the promises I’d made her.
From that day on I gave up all pretences of being a good person. I’d always claimed I believed in inherent universal goodness, but suddenly that concept seemed so naive to me. Up until the day we split I don’t think I ever did her any wrong, I held true to the words I spoke and wrote to her, because I truly meant every one of them. Yet she left me for another man, because love, the thing I held in the highest esteem along side the light is never enough, even for the bravest of souls.
My abandonment of love went hand in hand with my abandonment of morality, and the concept of leading a virtuous existence. I thought the world would be a better place if we all adopted a selfless outlook towards the world around us, but now that idealistic view seems impossible and futile.
Morality is a self inflicted curse that prevents us from living life in its true form. It’s a concept created within the human mind to enable us to better cope with the shadow of the impending nothingness that awaits us all. I don’t care if you believe in an afterlife without a shadow of doubt, you don’t know for certain and nor do I, but without anything substantial to suggest another eternal life, the safest assumption is that our reality exists only from our birth to our death.

Faith is what we use to fill the gaps of reality, the gaps that logic and reason will never be able to fill. We also use morality to fill those gaps. To explain why we do the things we do and make the decisions we make, despite the fact that often they conflict with what would be our natural reaction. We use it hand in hand with faith to suppress the primordial beast contained within us.
I’ve always believed truth to be the highest of virtues, but while I once held goodness as inherently truthful, I now see it as artificial. It’s relative to the individual and the society in which they live, we’re not born as moral beings, we have to work at it, we have to force ourselves to be something we’re not.
But now, tonight in Banff, I’m doubting the importance of truth for the first time since I understood such concepts. Perhaps I wasn’t so wrong to love that girl in a time that now seems like a lifetime ago. Perhaps I wasn’t wrong to suppress those natural thoughts we all have, thoughts of lust, of violence, of reckless abandon.
Perhaps I’ve since been wrong to assume that it’s okay to use women as objects of sexual pursuit and temporary sexual and spiritual fulfilment just because I truthfully wanted them then, but knew that in a week, a day, an hour, I’d lose interest entirely.
I tell myself everyday that to act on instinct alone is what makes life genuine, but what if the thing that makes life worth living is the ability to choose. To choose to give it all to those we love despite the sacrifices we must make, and despite knowing it could all be for nothing. To choose to make the decision that doesn’t come with instinct but with the consideration of consequences. To choose the light over the darkness.

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